Hey Nicky

I've had sleeping problems for quite a long time. One night of last month, I opened a video clip as usual, the guest was Nicky. Back then, Nicky was just a familiar name amount thousands of actors. I never heard one song he sang and watched one drama he played.

It was the live show stunned me from head to toe. He was sitting there and talking to the audiences, like talking to his new acquaintances. he talked about his childhood, his difficult relationship with his parents. He mentioned the things he felt he had to conceal about his life from his parents. He choked and teared up when he was talking about how his family misunderstood him. He made me grieve and caused me heartaches. I screechingly blamed on his parents and while wanted to skin the evil host alive.

From that moment, I have started spotting him. I have kept looking for his new updated clips and texts. I have started knowing him more and more. I noticed how famous he was in front of the camera, and how miserable he was behind the scene. He had to work at very young age to make a living. Sometime his whole day meals were a bottle of water. He spent 12 years to pay off his parents debt. He talked about these with a light tone. He emphasized a family is a family, he doesn't mind to carry the world upon his shoulders.

He hardly talks his unsuccessful marriage, only once he showed his confusion and self-reproach in a show, even if the whole world knows it was her inappropriate behaviour. He is vulnerable. He compromised a lot to make his family living in a better life and to boost his career a step forward. No wonder he has a unbelievable quantity of fans, not only because of his dashingly handsome face, but also of his personality and responsibility. 

For the whole month, I addicted to him, when I was drawing him, my heart leaped in my chest. I followed him on Weibo and signed in his fans club. Some fans have idolized him for more than 20 years. It's amazing. In a contrary, I'm pretty easy come easy go. What a shame.Well, at least I have realized at early stage, I'd like to make the most out of it in a short period. I used to sketch him right after I opened my eyes in the morning and non-stopping till I was too tired to keep up. 

Truth is my passion is diluting these days, HAHA. I'm happy he still draws my attention. Checking his status is till the first thing to start my day. He looks much thinner in his latest photo, everyone is worried about him, me either. I never understand the theory of the thinner the better. He is rather skinny and in heavy makeup. I suddenly feel a pain. Not only for him, but also for myself. He is declining, so do I.

He's wealthy, his meals are black coffee and instant noodles; he owns big houses, where he lives are hotels; he set up education funds for his nieces and nephews, he doesn't have his own children. His life is to make others happy, I'm wondering what's all these for?

His life was to make others happy since he was little. He tried hard to win awards from school to please his father, but he rarely got any prizes for him, instead often a punishment. He desperately wanted his approval, but seldomly. A lonely child, believed he was picked up from a street, no one cared him and no one understood him. He started showing reserve and building invisible shells in order to protect himself. He acted as usual--having fun or laughing out loud, but only he knew his heart was isolated. 

By a chance, he threw himself into the crazy entertainment industry. He refused to use stunts, he wanted to have directors and audiences approval. He had whirlwind romances at young age. Of course who could resist his charm. However none of the relationships last long. He confessed he was passive in a relationship and normally he was the one crying at the end. I bet none of the girls purely in love with him, the love based on conditions. I also suspicious if he knew what is love.

He eagerly wanted piles of love to full fill his empty heart. He needed a girl to compensate his lack of concern from family. However, he was too young to analyze himself and resist temptations. It is unavoidable to be hurt over and over again. In a loop, he reserves more. This year he reached 42, he won't develop a feeling through perceptions, he knows how to comprehend others attitudes. He has been solitary since he was a kid, and he has started getting used to be alone. Does he still have a passion to start a romance? I do hope so. It is understandable if requires longer time, things won't be that easy at his age and with his fame. 'Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better.'

He reckons as a man the most important character is to have shoulders. He has been doing all the time. He looks after his whole family; he involves in charity; he spends time with his fans. However, if he feels blue, he colleague says, he just quietly sits there, alone. 

I see through his eyes, there was a little boy, blankness. Probably it is impossible to wipe off the deep shadow in his heart, which especially from childhood. However, I'd like to say anytime you feel the pain, just shout!